I am so used to typing in codes on various social media platforms that when I can drop all the concealment, I feel so fucking lost.
I know this is yet another platform along with Twitter, Facebook, blah blah, and that it is totally uncool to be less mysterious about your private life, but I think my limit is nearing and if I don’t talk about it, or talk about talking about it, I might really go nuts.
My dad is driving me crazy. I wanted to type “ever since” but I don’t know when. My happy childhood memories got repressed, my unhappy secondary school memories got suppressed, my recent years being clouded by another monster, I can’t really say how long I have been unhappy for.
I know he doesn’t want any of that. I know he doesn’t want me to be unhappy. But he just causes me so much pain, that I wanna walk away forever.
I can’t even describe the pain.
I don’t wanna be cliche and talk about a thousand knives stabbing me at the same time.
All I know is, I did not like it, I don’t appreciate it now, and I will never learn to accept it no matter how times he does it a day.
I blame so many people for this because I know I am not at fault at all. Whenever I have squabbles/disagreements with people, I ALWAYS know I caused it somehow (knowing and admitting are two different things). But when it comes to what I have been fucking dealing with for the past decade (I think), I am 100% innocent. ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY.
And now, all I can do is, talk about talking about it. I don’t even know how to get this off my chest. I hate it when I start talking, and you read this “I am judging you” expression off people’s faces.
So I only talk about things that make people judge others.
Which is kinda sad because that makes me a lowlife.